Thursday, August 10, 2017


There's heroines from distant, fantastic lands whose journey to the modern world is undertaken in order to bring the ideal of peace and enlightenment to a wart-torn global civilization. Then, sometimes, powerful amazon warriors just leave home because they are so fucking bored t's unbelievable.

While the first kind of amazon warrior just got a popular film franchise started, the other is Amazona, The Mighty Woman, a Wonder Woman by way of Frigidaire, possessed of "surpassing strength and unmatched beauty" and whose people are the last survivors of a deadly ice age. For some reason, they celebrated this fact by establishing an entire civilization in the middle of the arctic circle. And Amazona goes around wearing a leotard and slippers. They laugh in the face of their near-extinction, is what I gather.

Arctic Explorer Blake Manners wanders the lonely ice plains after his ship is frozen in place. He finds a strange, lipstick-shaped palace in the middle of the lifeless expanse, and discovers, to his delight, white people inside! He was really excited about it, honestly. I think he thought he'd found North Dakota.

Some party!

Leaving the company of this isolated nation, Manners is joined by Amazona, despite his protestations. Amazona wants to journey back to our world with Manners, largely because I think she was the only woman in the whole city and she was "lonely." Lonely for not being bothered by sex pests, is my guess. Smurfette probably had the same problem.

Amazona exhibits her tremendous strength by single-handedly freeing the frozen ship, and then furthermore shows her bona fides by punching a cab onto its side, knocking over a bunch of crooks, and surviving a fiery car wreck. She does most of that in the city. I didn't mean to suggest that she was knocking over cabs and crooks on Manners' boat.

What's really charming about Amazona and Blake Manners is that they seem united by self-doubt. Despite her prodigious strength and tremendous courage, Amazona is nervous about appearing in public for the first time. Blake is, likewise, anxious about the social niceties of society. These two have a connection based on social anxiety. They're a very modern couple. They need fidget spinners.

If Amazona worried about her acceptability, she has the reassurance of the cab driver. "Don't worry babe," he gumbles helpfully, "Those society guys will go for a sweet gal like you!" At which point she grabs him by the collar, hauls hum out of his seat, beats the tar out of him and wrecks his hack. Clap back, Amazona! Everything else she does to crooks after this point just seems like gilding the lily.

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